Honeymoon Preparation
For your mind, body, and soul
The Honeymoon preparation is a new series inspired by the wonderful ladies at #CathSorority and a few husbands. A collection of stories, practical tips, and awesome advice that your mother is too embarrassed to tell you about!
For your mind, body, and soul
The Honeymoon preparation is a new series inspired by the wonderful ladies at #CathSorority and a few husbands. A collection of stories, practical tips, and awesome advice that your mother is too embarrassed to tell you about!
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The Attack of Fear- Seeking Truth about Sex
Written By Trista
Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite
Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite
A few weeks after my boyfriend and I said, "I love you," my blissful state was marred by a sudden and deep fear. As we began to discern marriage, I suddenly fully realized, with great trepidation, that with marriage comes the marital embrace. And I suddenly was questioning whether or not I could or wanted to be part of that embrace.
I
have to clarify: I am completely attracted to my boyfriend. I adore
him and never tire of kissing him and cuddling. But during the course
of our relationship, we've spent weeks apart before being reunited for a
weekend, and in this pattern of long absence, short reunion, the devil
found his opening to make me question my vocation by questioning the
marital embrace. And question I did. These small fears I'd previously
had were magnified to epic proportions.
If
the marital embrace is an essential part of marriage, then I'd have to
be comfortable with the idea of it before I could happily say, "Yes, I
want to marry you." Instead, I was frequently curling up in my room
bawling, questioning God on why the marital embrace exists; listening to
podcasts on Theology of the Body and feeling dejected, distraught, and
alone; and bringing the topic up to my bewildered boyfriend, who tried
to comfort me in my distress. The constant themes of these months of
questioning were despair and fear.
My thoughts were jumbled and erratic: Couldn't there be another way to produce offspring? I asked God. Are
you sure this is it? Why is this act the full gift of self?? It's so
vulnerable, Lord, and so...foreign. I'm not sure I can do this. I'm
shy. It seems so overwhelming to go in the span of hours from chastity
meaning clothes-on-careful-kissing to chastity meaning
here-i-am-fully-naked-when-i-
Between
all these sentences, add a few hours of crying, and repeat every few
weeks for six months. My soul was in torment, and I longed for the Lord
to come to my assistance.
Looking
back, I can see that He was there during my distress. The question "Is
your virginity a gift or has it become a trap?" was put into my mind.
Was I so comfortable in virginity that I would let my vocation pass me
by because of fears? Was I priding virginity above the married state
because once married, you're just lumped into the group of
sex-having-people like the rest of the world (holy sex, mind you, but
others wouldn't know that), while virginity is a more obvious witness in
the world? Was I allowing my pride and virginity to become a pathway
to Hell instead of a real gift to the Lord? I realized, yes, to a
degree I was - but with this understanding, the devil came after me
harder. How great a sinner was I that allowed my gift to become my
prison of selfishness?! I despaired even more.
Then,
while I was visiting my boyfriend and felt much more at ease with the
marital embrace, I was rifling through one of his books and came across
this quote: "Even the purest girl, when she is
subject to the law of original sin, cannot help but suspect something of
its consequences. Ever since the curse which fell upon Eve, a kind of
humiliation is linked not only with giving birth in pain but also with
physical surrender, especially for the woman. It is possible for an
innocent girl to offer herself to her husband in a love which is wholly
naïve and pure, without feeling the sting of concupiscence. But it is
not really possible for her to be taken by the man without her
experiencing – especially in the first encounter – a certain bitterness
and disappointment. In the experience itself she will perceive what
could remain hidden from her before: that sexuality, without being evil
in itself, stands in a lasting shadow of original sin. Married people,
in order to live a perfect Christian marriage, will not simply overlook
the humiliation which lies in the sexual relationship but will have to
learn to understand it more and more in the light of the Cross and to
let all concupiscence be consumed in this purifying fire." (Handmaid of the Lord, Ch 7)
I
certainly don't consider myself the "purest girl," but it seems to me
that this culture does not allow a young girl to grow up remotely naive
and pure, and I was already witnessing the consequences of original sin
and sex. I realized that part of my reluctance to embrace the marital
embrace stemmed from the constant onslaught of premarital sex we hear
and see in television, music, books, and websites. To me, despite my
best efforts, sex seemed tainted, even in it's proper
role in marriage. I began to ponder and pray over the last sentence,
hoping for guidance and the grace to see the marital embrace in the
light of the Cross. I removed as many references to premarital sex as I
could in my life (goodbye certain tv shows, goodbye certain books,
goodbye certain conversations and groups)
since it was negatively coloring my understanding of real, holy sex. I
started listening to more Theology of the Body talks and gave
myself permission to react honestly. Sometimes I felt fearful, other
times squeamish, and then - hooray! - sometimes holy yearning and
understanding. My boyfriend and I discussed our expectations for the
marital embrace, and he put to rest my fears about body image and skills
in the bedroom. I tried to focus on the holy yearning and prayed more
often in front of the Blessed Sacrament.
In
one of Fr. John Riccardo's Theology of the Body talks, he mentions how
the devil targets women because he is so humiliated by Mary. I realized
that I had been spiritually attacked for months. With confidence, I
cried out to Mary. In that moment, I saw her wrap her mantle around me
and draw me close, away from the devil, and I felt peace. I prayed in
thanksgiving for her protection and for guidance in what my next steps
should be.
I
stumbled across that answer a few days later, when I realized I had
exactly enough days to pray a novena to St. Gianna Beretta Molla and
finish on her feast day. St. Gianna - as wife, mother, and Saint - was
the perfect person to question about holy sex. She, of all women I knew, was
someone I could completely trust to guide me and pray for me. With
confidence, I prayed the novena, sure she could ease the burdens on my
heart. Truly, through her intercession, I found peace. I am still
nervous and awed by the idea of taking part in the marital embrace, but
they are the normal fears of the unknown. I am confident that when the
time comes, I will be focused on the divine mystery and love present in
the marital embrace, instead of my fears and worries.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
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Practical Tips For Those Needing Courage:
1. Pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament
Fears are a natural state of our humanity. Take the Christ and give them to Him.
2. Voice your fears to your fiance
Consider also talking to a trusted priest or married person. If you can know an older married couple that you admire, use them as a role model.
3. Listen or read about Theology of the Body
There are many series and opinions, I recommend Fr. John Riccardo's Theology of the Body series.
4. Stop Feeding Your FearsEliminate any topics and media that are feeding your fears.
5. Pray for St. Gianna Beretta Molla's intercession
I'd always heard that you should pray before sex with your spouse, and thought that was the most awkward, weird thing ever. Well.... we did it on our honeymoon and it was POWERFUL. So I would recommend that for sure! Hopefully it will bring you peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty! To go along with what Stacy said, we do not pray before we have sex but on our wedding night we did. At the time we rented a house that also served as a Newman Center for a small college. My husband carried me into our first home and straight into the chapel. He led us in prayer and then carried me upstairs. I'm sure that seems so crazy wierd to some but it really was a good thing for us.
ReplyDeleteIt is fear that is overlooked and not discussed. I imagine that this is how many girls felt 100 years ago as they entered into marriage and were not sure what to expect. Truly, a healthy anxiety, the kind that makes your heart pound and energizes your spirit, is probably how we are supposed to feel as we prepare for our wedding night.
ReplyDeleteBreath deeply when you get anxious, and remember that this is part of life and it will bring you graces and deepen your faith.
Thank you for the comments and to Kate for hosting this post! This was the scariest thing I've ever written!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not alone in this. With all the talk that "the first time is awful" blah blah blah stuff it makes me more nervous and scared to actually have sex. I could never understand why something that can "hurt" is something EVERYONE was doing and almost is "addicted" to.
ReplyDeleteThe marital embrace is a big deal. It is a beautiful and wonderful and powerful thing, and that can be a bit scary, even when you are married to someone you love very much.
ReplyDeleteThe marital embrace is primarily about intimacy (and that includes being open to life), but Satan wants to convince us it is about anything and everything else. Whether it is the culture saying that sex is about having perfect bodies and perfect technique to have pleasure whenever we want or the overscrupulous inside the Church equating all sex with lust and concupiscence, these are all lies designed to keep us from enjoying the gift that God has given to us.
The most dangerous lies are the lies that seem like truth, because they are the lies that are believed the longest. For example, the couple who has the cultural ideals of beauty and technique may not realize all that they are missing. It is hard to give up what is good, even to gain that which is better. Conversely, taking a falsely negative view of sex may make premarital chastity easier, but lead to difficulty and pain after marriage. But both are indeed lies, spread by the Prince of Lies himself.
**This post assumes that you WANT to be that intimate with your future spouse. If there are issues with intimacy in general or intimacy with that person, and not just the physical act, these should be resolved before marriage.
Trista, thank you SO much for sharing this. Might be cliche saying that I've shared similar feelings on the subject, but I honestly have. With the world being so sexualized as it is, I often felt like a freak thinking the way I did--like an outsider, really. My friends would tease me for upholding virginity and for being uncomfortable at the thought of having sex, but I just couldn't get past the negative, unholy ways in which sex is attributed in today's society. I didn't want to have any part of that! I, too discussed my feelings with my fiance (then boyfriend), and sought out St. Margaret of Scotland for her intercession. I have a healthier outlook on it now, and while I'm still nervous, it's a good kind of nervous. I like the idea of praying beforehand as someone mentioned. Totally gonna do that.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone! Honestly, I've never had a *serious* boyfriend and so I've never been in the situation where I've had to really really think about it, but the few times when I have really thought about what sex entails, it freaks me out. Overwhelms me. Makes me really nervous. So I just hope that if I am called to marriage, that I'll find strength and my man will understand and be a stronghold for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post! I know it was hard for you to write - but remember you're not alone!
This is a very thought-provoking post, and it obviously struck a cord with many readers. I wonder if there are many men who struggle similarly? Certainly there are men who are afraid that they will bring lust into their marriage, but there is so much emphasis on the "macho man" and his "raging libido" that you don't hear hardly anything about men who want to marry but strggle with the idea that marriage includes sex.
ReplyDeleteI haven't heard of men thinking that way...I wonder!
DeleteI am willing to admit it myself, and also to address it, which I shall do in the comments below. It is very important, and it is courageous of you to be so honest. Thank you.
DeleteIf you are overwhelmed by the thought of the wedding night itself, remember that you do not have to do everything all at once. Going from chaste kissing to fully naked and having sex in one night can be pretty scary. The purpose of the honeymoon is so that the couple can be relaxed and alone and get to know each other's body. Your husband should be sensitive to your concerns and should not push you too fast into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. Sex is always a gift, it is never an entitlement.
ReplyDeleteIf you do not consummate the marriage on the first night, that's OK. If it takes you a few evenings to become comfortable enough move on to full intercourse, that's OK. You will have a lifetime together to enjoy sex.
At the same time, if you kindly help your husband out for being so patient during this time, it is no sin. "The Sabbath is made for man, man is not made for the Sabbath." Mark 2:27. The purpose of the "rules" is to protect the sacredness our sexuality. You are still learning your sexuality. Such behavior at this very early point in your marriage is not inconsistent with the sacred nature of sex.
yes waywardson! It is called 'honeyMOON' for a reason- in the old days, it would be a month and with honey wine (for relaxation)
DeleteWow, Trista, thank you so much! Sometimes the idea of sex terrifies me...and I don't even have a boyfriend! And then I wonder what my problem is...and then I feel like SuperVirgin. It's nice to know I'm not alone...
ReplyDeleteAh, this is a bit long. Please forgive the bad habits of an old writer. It's worth addressing this from a man's perspective, especially--on this blog--from a "good Catholic man":
ReplyDeleteYes many men are afraid, though it would be a rare man that would talk about it even with his spouse or fiancee. In the Catholic world, many men have had years of self-destructive sexual experiences before they undergo a conversion in young adulthood or college. After their conversion, they struggle to achieve continence, they succeed, but then when they are going to get married the *thing* looms before them again. These men may fear that they can't engage in the spousal act without "being dirty." They may strongly affirm (and may even have experienced some healing from) the Theology of the Body, but they think it is impossible for them to put it into practice. They may feel incompetent and discouraged, and they may "hold back" because they feel they must fight unchaste feelings even as they do their marital "duty". That seemingly rare entity--the "good Catholic man"--may have all of this boiling inside of him, even after a sincere and pure courtship with a chaste and modest woman. And this continues to be a struggle during the marriage. It doesn't end on the wedding night, or even during the honeymoon. The experience of "sex" in marriage will, in fact, be at times joyful and amazing, often awkward, sometimes painful (for men too), at times full of ecstasy and surprise, sometimes boring, sometimes angry, sometimes leading to argument and division, sometimes expressing tender friendship, often disappointing (yup!), often routine and inattentive, occasionally full of wonder; very powerful, beautiful, difficult, fragile, requiring from both spouses not only desire but also courage. Sex, it turns out, is remarkably like everything else that is important in life. Still, I say, "Don't *worry* about it"! It is a difficulty, as are many things for spouses who want to live a true, Christian marriage. Be patient, be patient, be patient, trust in the grace of Christ and especially the sacraments through which He accomplishes so much in us, in His time. And remember the *sacrament* of marriage is very powerful, strong enough to get you through the lifetime you're going to have together. This mysterious bond forged between you by Christ and sustained by His grace will get you through things that are much more difficult than "sex". Of course it is an important and basic aspect of marriage. It is good to have its problems placed in the open between both spouses, although for many men it will be very difficult. Time, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, sacrifice are necessary here as they are everywhere in life. Above all there is the grace of Christ, which He gives so generously to spouses who remember that He is the center of their marriage; spouses who pray, and pray together (before, after, or at other stable times each day--people find what works for them, and they must remember their marriage not only during sex, but all day, every day). Christ's grace is at work healing and transforming and drawing everything in your relationship toward the good. We must trust in Him.
And then, if God wills it (if not, He will find other ways), something astonishing *happens* that helps the spouses realize how mysterious a thing is marriage; how mysterious a thing is all of existence: *children*!
Excellent!
DeleteIs there a good prayer to pray before making love?
ReplyDelete