Wild Wednesday: Give your love life a kick!

Since there have been a series of heavy theological post lately, I figured that the blog could use less heaviness and more sexiness. Today's post is the first in what will hopefully become a series. Wild Wednesday posts are totally non-theological posts that are designed to help your love life and your marriage. Enjoy.  - James

Are you single? 

Looking for that special someone?

Bored with the same old singles scene? Have internet dating services given your love life nothing but 404 errors?

So what's the secret to finding true love?  Co-ed adult kickball!

Meeting people can be hard, but kickball offers an outlet for adults over 21 to rekindle their childhood, make lasting friendships, and, with proven success, find love. For the past eight weeks over 300 registered adults on 17 teams have been lacing up their cleats, putting on their tube socks, and sporting their team jerseys with the aim of reliving their childhood glory days by kicking a red rubber ball with the region’s World Adult Kickball Association (WAKA) franchise.

Much akin to sister sport dodgeball, kickball is just the latest childhood pastime turned competitive adult sport to hit the scene. And like dodgeball, it's gaining in popularity as the game is adapted for competitive adult play, but the overarching goal is to be social and have fun. Yet kickball goes one ‘base’ further, turning scores of friendships into marriages, some even tie the knot with wedding cakes in the shape of that bouncing red ball.

“Our team started off as a bunch of single 20-somethings, and now the majority of the team’s married,” said Kristie Blessinger, who married her kickball hubby last July. “The games, the friends, and the good times have kept us coming back season after season.”

Of course, there is no guarantee that you'll find the love of your life on the kickball diamond, and if the only reason you're out there is to get a date, it's probably not going to work.

But why is kickball leading to so many marriages?

Most people don't associate romance with playground games.

Perhaps that's the problem.

According to Naomi Brower of Utah State University, play is important to developing and maintaining relationships:

Playing together increases bonding, communication, conflict resolution, and relationship satisfaction. Play can also promote spontaneity when life seems routine, serve as a reminder of positive relationship history, and promote intimacy. Having fun together can help couples feel positive emotions, which can increase relationship satisfaction, help couples to unite in order to overcome differences and give hope when working through difficult challenges. Some studies have even found that having fun together is the most important factor in the sense of friendship, commitment, and the greatest influence on overall [relational] satisfaction.

Unlike traditional dating, where people tend to make themselves seem better than they are to impress a potential mate, play tends to bring out a person's "true self". Brower continues:

According to Plato, “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation”. While people can sometimes mask their true selves while talking in conversation, play is a form of modeling real life, which brings forth true reactions to different circumstances. For example, how a person reacts to losing a game may be indicative of his or her reaction to losing a job deal. What a person does to overcome a difficult situation during play will likely be the same way he or she overcomes difficult situations in other areas of life. Whether a person takes charge of their team or sits back while playing a sport may show how they work with teams on the job. Play can teach us about ourselves and our partners in casual situations where the consequences are not so long lasting.

But what about us married folks?

Play is important to keep marriages fresh and healthy.

Family Life Educator and CEO of First things First, Julie Baumgardner explains the importance of play to adults.

According to the National Institute, play is the gateway to vitality.  By its nature it is uniquely and intrinsically rewarding. It generates optimism, seeks out novelty, makes perseverance fun, leads to mastery, gives the immune system a bounce, fosters empathy and promotes a sense of belonging and community. Each of these play by-products are indices of personal health, and their shortage predicts impending health problems and personal fragility.

Play also enhances relationships.  The National Institute for Play cites studies that indicate that play refreshes a long-term adult-adult relationship.  Some of the hallmarks of its refreshing, oxygenating action are: humor, the enjoyment of novelty, the capacity to share a lighthearted sense of the world’s ironies, the enjoyment of mutual storytelling, and the capacity to openly divulge imagination and fantasies.

Playful communications and interactions, when nourished, produce a climate for easy connection and deepening, more rewarding relationship - true intimacy.  Who wouldn’t want this in a relationship? 

Just as children need play to help them de-stress, adults need play to help them be at their best when it comes to career, parenting, and marriage.  Instead of looking at play as a waste of precious time, consider it a great investment in your wellbeing. 

Schedule Time for Play

With the demands of work, household tasks, children, and all of our other "grown up" tasks, it's easy to forget to play. When our few spare free moments are taken for entertainment or romance or even sex, it's easy for play to fall off the schedule.

What I have learned is that if you really want something to get done, you need to schedule time for it. Last Wednesday, I talked about the importance of scheduling sex. Scheduling play can be just as important.

Block off some time for you to do something FUN together. Then make sure you go do it. Include the kids, they'll make SURE that you do it!
  
For you NFPers, don't just think of play as simply being a "Phase 2 activity". Play increases intimacy, spontaneity, and relationship satisfaction. Let's just say that can be VERY useful in Phase 3. ;-)

Do you incorporate play into your marriage? What about when you were dating? Any good stories involving playing with your spouse?

Next Week, some tips for developing a sense of play in your relationship. 

We all Chatter in Church (and on the Internet)

This Saturday, Pope Francis gave a FANTASTIC homily on the problem of Christians "chattering in Church."(emphasis added)

The Christian must overcome the temptation to "interfere in the lives of others," was the exhortation of Pope Francis at Mass this morning at the Casa Santa Marta. The Pope also stressed that talk and envy do so much harm to the Christian community.

"What is it to you?" Pope Francis begin his homily referring to a question Jesus posed to Peter when he had meddled in the life of the disciple John, "whom Jesus loved." Peter, the Pope pointed out, had "a dialogue of love" with the Lord, but then the dialogue "is diverted to another track," and he also suffers from a temptation: "to interfere in the lives of others." How do you say "vulgar," said the Pope, Peter becomes "nosy". Focus is therefore on two modes of this mix in the lives of others. First, the "comparison", "to compare oneself with others." When there is this comparison, Pope Francis said, "we end up in bitterness and even envy, but envy rusts the Christian community, "it brings much hurt," the "devil wants that." The second mode of this temptation, he added, is gossip. It begins "in an educated way," but then we end up “feeling bad”.

"We all chat in Church! As Christians we chat! The chatter is hurtful? We hurt one another. It is as if we want to put each other down.: instead of growing one makes the other feel small while I feel great. That will not do! It seems nice to chat ... I do not know why, but it looks nice. Like sweet of honey, right? You take one and then another, and another, and another, and in the end you have a stomach ache. And why ? The chatter is like that eh? It is 'sweet at first and it ruins you, it ruins your soul! Rumours are destructive in the Church, they are destructive ... It’s 'a little' like the spirit of Cain who killed his brother, his tongue; it kills his brother! "

On this road, the Holy Father said, "we become Christians of good manners and bad habits." But how do we do this ? Normally, Pope Francis noted, "we do three things":

"We supply misinformation: we tell only half that suits us and not the other half, the other half we do not say because it is not convenient for us. You smile at that ... Is that true or not? Did you see that thing? It goes on. The second is defamation: When a person truly has a flaw, it is big, they tell it, 'like a journalist' ... And the character of this person is ruined. And the third is the slander of saying things that are not true. It is like killing ones brother! All three - disinformation, defamation and slander - are sins! This is sin! It is to slap Jesus in the person of his children, his brothers. "

That is why Jesus does with us what he did with Peter when he says: "What is it to you? Follow me, "The Lord in this instance" points the way ":

"'This kind of talk will not do you any good, because it will just bring to the Church a spirit of destruction. Follow me! '. These are the beautiful words of Jesus, it is so clear, that he has so much love for us. As if to say: 'Don’t have fantasies, believing that salvation is in the comparisons with others or in gossip. Salvation is to go behind me '. Following Jesus! Today we ask the Lord Jesus to give us this grace not to ever get involved in the lives of others, not to become Christians of good manners and bad habits, it is to follow Jesus, to walk behind Jesus on his way. And this is enough. "

During his homily, Pope Francis also recalled an episode from the life of St. Therese who wondered why Jesus gave so much to one and not to another. The older sister then took a thimble and a glass and filled them with water and then asked Therese which of the two was more full. "But both are full," said the future saint. Jesus, the Pope said, does this with us", "he does not care if you're big, you're or small." What interests him is "if you are filled with the love of Jesus."

Chatter about Sex

One BIG thing that Christians LOVE to "chatter" about is S-E-X. I'm guilty of it too. Pope Francis's homily really hit home for me.

This blog is about sexuality and about marriage. It deals with sensitive and very personal subjects. While Kate and I are happy to help couples and we encourage couples to seek help when they need it, in the end, a married couple's sex life is between the two of them and God. 

One thing I have learned is that it is not my place to critique the sex lives of others. Still, there are some cases where I feel I must speak up to prevent confusion. One is misrepresenting Church teachings or telling people to ignore them. The other is advocating following Church teaching on sexuality in a way that builds vice instead of virtue. Embracing the sin of pride (self-righteousness, presumption, scrupulosity) is not the way to defeat the sin of lust. Nor is exchanging lust for gluttony (another addiction) or wrath (being angry with your spouse or angry about the "rules").

Different people have different struggles in sexuality. Some people struggle with chastity, others struggle with sexual intimacy. Some couples struggle with being open to life, others struggle with prudence and self-control.  The road to holiness may look different for different people and different couples may be on different places on the journey. "What is it to you?" if people are at a different place on the journey if we are all headed toward the same ultimate destination?

Chatter in the Comments

We allow anonymous comments on this blog so that married people and those contemplating marriage can feel like they can present their stories or ask questions about private areas without having their identities made public. We do not allow anonymous comments for people to issue "drive by" theological commentaries or criticisms. This is a moderated blog and such comments will be deleted. 

If you do have a problem with a post or a comment, we do ask you to post with a registered account, or, at the very least, "sign" your anonymous post. We will try to address your concerns, but the purpose of this blog is not to start a theological debate. Several comment threads have gotten out of hand and have been deleted to prevent reader confusion.

Just Do It!

"Sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic."

So says popular TV psychologist Dr. Phil.


Our world seems saturated with sex, yet more and more married couples just aren't having that much of it.

While the stereotype is that of a frustrated husband and a wife who "has a headache", it's not uncommon for the wife to be frustrated and the husband to lose interest. As Michelle Weiner Davis, author of The Sex Starved Marriage and The Sex Starved Wife notes:

More men than women complain about not getting enough sex, [but] the difference between the two genders is not nearly as great as the general public believes. Low desire in men has got to be America's best-kept secret.

She notes that desire for sex isn't just for an orgasm or physical release, but for intimacy with their spouse.

When someone is more highly sexed, the person who has less desire really thinks it's just about having an orgasm. [But] to the more highly sexed spouse, it is truly about feeling wanted and loved and emotionally connected.

 She warns of the possible consequences what can happen when a marriage becomes "sex starved".

Unless they get help, [their marriages] often can [end in divorce]. The other thing that happens is the person with the higher desire just lives their life in lonely misery.

Although sexless marriages are a drastic situation, many more marriages are suffering one spouse or both isn't getting the physical intimacy they need to feel loved and connected.

Because this is "Real Catholic Love and Sex", let's take a look at what the Catholic Church teaches about how to keep your spouse from feeling deprived.


You Owe It To Your Spouse

The Church's answer to sexual deprivation in marriage is the teaching called the "marriage debt". The teaching is as old as scripture, although it has often been forgotten in modern times.

The "marriage debt" - Sounds romantic, doesn't it? (Clearly celibates came up with the name, right?)

But the marriage debt should not be thought of as a burden, but as something positive that you owe your spouse.

The "marriage debt" means is that spouses shouldn't deprive each other of sex, but should generally try say "yes" to each other. It does NOT mean that a spouse can never say "no", but that spouses shouldn't make a habit of it unless they have serious reasons to avoid relations for extended periods of time. 

I like to think of it as the "Nike" approach to sexuality: 

Just Do It! 

Sex was not designed to be something that we do for ourselves. Sex was designed to be something we share with our spouses. A wife's sexual needs can only be fulfilled by her husband. A husband's sexual needs can only be fulfilled by his wife. To refuse to meet a spouse's legitimate and reasonable sexual needs is not very loving and is not good for a marriage.

Put another way, spouses have a duty to help each other in meeting their sexual needs, just like they have a duty to assist each other in all other areas of the marriage. One could say that the spouses owe each other a certain degree of sexual availability. This "debt" goes both ways: Husbands owe it to their wives and wives owe it to their husbands. (Husbands: Your duty is to satisfy your wife's sexual needs, not merely to have sex with her. Wives: Your sexual needs are as important as his.)

If you aren't "in the mood" and your spouse is, try saying "yes" anyway for your spouse's sake. You may be surprised to find yourself getting "in the mood" as you get going. There is a good chance your grateful spouse will be more than happy to help to get there.

Render the Due Benevolence

The idea of the "marriage debt" comes from St. Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians. Ye olde King James Version states it best.

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. (1 Corinthians 7:2-7, KJV)

Sex in marriage is "due benevolence". Regularly denying your spouse this benevolence is "defrauding" them. Defrauding each other opens the door for Satan to tempt both of you.

While many modern readers worry that the passage is sexist, according to St. Thomas Aquinas and the constant teaching of the Church, Paul's writing that both partners owe "due benevolence" to each other shows the equality of men and women in marriage and in the marital act, a radical concept in the ancient world. The permission that Paul gives is most likely permission to agree to abstain for prayer and fasting and he is careful to point out that couples should not feel obliged to abstain for these spiritual reasons.

The Catholic Church teaches that sex is part of the sacrament of marriage. It is about more than procreation, but is an act of love that bonds the couple together.

[The] mutual molding of husband and wife, this determined effort to perfect each other, can in a very real sense . . . be said to be the chief reason and purpose of matrimony, provided matrimony be looked at not in the restricted sense as instituted for the proper conception and education of the child, but more widely as the blending of life as a whole and the mutual interchange and sharing thereof.

By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle [Paul]: "Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband," express not only a law of justice but of charity. 

Casti Connubii § 24-25.

When couples deprive each other of this bond of love, resentment can build in a marriage. Although one spouse may feel more slighted, BOTH spouses are being deprived. The Catholic Church wants couples not to deprive each other, but to enjoy each other.

Unjust Exactions Prohibited

The marriage debt is a powerful teaching, but many people get nervous about it because it has been so misunderstood.  

The Catholic Church teaches that the Apostle Paul's command "express[es] not only a law of justice, but of charity". Any interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 or the "marriage debt" inconsistent in ANY way with both justice and charity is always WRONG.

Sadly, some people have come up with some horrifying interpretations of Paul's words.

The the concept of the "marriage debt" has been misused to justify sexual abuse in marriage. Such gross misunderstanding is neither justice nor charity and is completely incompatible with chaste Christian marriage. So let's eliminate some misconceptions about the marriage debt:

• The "marriage debt" does NOT mean that spouses cannot say no to sex.
• It does NOT mean that spouses cannot say no to sexual acts they find uncomfortable or degrading.
• It does NOT mean that a spouse can demand sex when to do so would be physically or psychologically unhealthy for the other spouse.
• It does NOT mean that a spouse must say yes to their spouses sexual advances under pain of mortal sin.
• It does NOT mean that one spouse is responsible for preventing the other from committing sexual sin.
• It does NOT mean that a spouse can never say "not tonight, dear".
• It does NOT mean that the marriage relationship is a legitimate outlet for lust.
• It does NOT mean that marriage is a "crime prevention program" in that the only purpose of marital relations is to prevent sexual sin.
  
• The "marriage debt" is NOT a justification for sexual abuse, coercion, or marital rape. 

The Catholic Church condemns abuse of the "marriage debt". As St. Thomas Aquinas wrote:

The wife has no power over her husband's body, except as is consistent with the welfare of his person. Wherefore if she go beyond this in her demands, it is not a request for the debt, but an unjust exaction; and for this reason the husband is not bound to satisfy her.

As the "marriage debt" is a mutual obligation, this also applies to husbands demanding sex from their wives when it is inconsistent with the wife's physical or psychological well-being.

(Interestingly, Aquinas's biggest concern about abuse of the marital debt was that overly amorous wives would wear their husbands out! The idea that sex is only something men are interested in is a relatively recent one and is cultural, not biological.)

Likewise, Pope John Paul II taught that people should never use each other as means to an end. Sex in marriage is to always be an act of mutual love, not just one spouse using the other for a "legitimate" orgasm. He also reasoned that because marriage is a sacrament, sex in marriage is not to be an outlet for lust, but an instrument of grace that can lead the spouses to freedom over lust.

These statements of St. Paul have given rise to the opinion that marriage constitutes a specific remedy for concupiscence. However, as we have already observed, St. Paul teaches explicitly that marriage has a corresponding special "gift," and that in the mystery of redemption marriage is given to a man and a woman as a grace.

GENERAL AUDIENCE OF WEDNESDAY, 1 DECEMBER [1982]

So, If you ever run across an interpretation of the "marriage debt" that implies that coercion is OK or consent is unnecessary, or that it is OK to use your spouse for sex from an armchair theologian, combox Pontiff, or even a duly ordained member of the clergy, you can be assured that their interpretation is wrong and you can safely ignore them.

How Often?

So how often should spouses make love to "satisfy the debt"?

• Once a month? 
• Once a week? 
• Three times a week? 
• Every day? 

A healthy amount of sex in a marriage is a level where both spouses feel loved and neither spouse feels deprived. Spouses should never feel used for sex and spouses should not feel obliged to engage in relations when to do so is physically or psychologically unhealthy. There is no magic number of times per week that a couple should feel like they have to have sex. 

This will be different for different couples and different in different stages in life. Some couples are happy with once a week, while others would feel seriously deprived. Still others might wonder how anyone could want it so often. Couples who have different levels of desire will need to work together to find a level of intimacy where both spouses feel loved and neither spouse feels used. But both spouses should recognize that sex is an important part of a marriage and agree to make it a priority, even when one is less interested in it than the other.

While every couple will have a different level of desire, remember, sex is good and part of the Sacrament of Marriage. Couples will benefit by working toward increasing the amount of sexual intimacy in their marriage, not to find the bare minimum that they can get away with. Being generous and not stingy with your spouse is the key to a happy marriage (and not just in the bedroom, either.)

Put it on the Calendar

Sooner or later, every married person is going to need to tell their spouse, "Not tonight, dear". But this dreaded phrase is far less dreadful when accompanied by "How about tomorrow?" 

Scheduling sex turns a "No" into a "Not now" with a promise of fulfillment later. (Just don't put it off forever.) Putting it on the calendar makes it a priority for both of you.

Our culture romanticizes spontaneous sex, but scheduled sex can be even hotter. You both have something to look forward to and time to prepare for it. It's amazing how helpful and cooperative your spouse can become with household tasks when you both "need to go to bed early". 


Prayer and Fasting . . . and Phase 2???

Natural Family Planning requires couples to abstain from relations for certain periods of time in order to avoid pregnancy. How does this play into the marital debt?

Sex is designed to be both unitive and procreative. If your charts indicate sex could possibly lead to pregnancy, and you have good reasons to avoid pregnancy, then you have good reasons to avoid sex. Don't overthink this.

Theologically, Phase 2 abstinence can be seen as a type of fast. It is self-denial for a greater good, when the couple has appropriate reasons for avoiding pregnancy. Over-eager NFP promoters sometimes oversell the benefits of abstinence while downplaying the sacrifice, however, no matter how enjoyable your Phase 2 time is, you are definitely giving up something as a couple.

Let's just say Phase 2 is a really good time for prayer.

Some couples may find avoiding pregnancy with NFP leads to extended periods of abstinence. Those in such extraordinary situations should work with a priest or spiritual adviser to negotiate this difficult time. They should also consult a trained NFP instructor to look for ways to reduce the abstinence or to see if the extended abstinence is a sign of a possible health issue that may need medical treatment.

Bigger Issues Than Sex

Sex is good.  So why would couples deprive each other of it?

There are many possible reasons which will be more fully addressed in other posts.

• Negative attitudes toward sex/hangups.
• Unrealistic ideals about what sex "should" be.
• Problems communicating about sex.
• Past sexual abuse/sexual assault.
• Fear of pregnancy.
• Fear of intimacy.
• Unsatisfying sexual relations.
• Overscheduling so they don't have time for each other.
• Distractions (TV/Internet/etc.)
• Problems in other areas in the marriage.
• Porn use and masturbation. (Common when husbands are depriving their wives.)
• Physical/hormonal problems.
• Depression/psychological problems.

If spouses are having trouble "saying yes" to each other, that's a sign that something's wrong and a sign to get help. Realizing that you are missing something may be the first sign toward recognizing and solving a deeper problem in your personal life or your marriage. Sometimes couples may need to work through these deeper issues before they can bring intimacy back into their marriage. Spouses should NEVER coerce, threaten, or guilt trip the other spouse into doing something they feel physically or psychologically uncomfortable with doing.

Your Thoughts?

As C.S. Lewis once said, "No man, I suppose is tempted to every sin." Denying the marriage debt is a sin that neither K nor I have ever struggled with. Instead, we struggle with the virtue of martial chastity and self-control, which is largely the opposite problem.

Because of this, there is only so much I can say on the subject. I would like to hear from you, dear readers.

• Have you struggled with "saying yes" to your spouse? 
• Are you feeling deprived in your marriage? 
• Are you worried that a spouse may abuse their privileges?
• Have you overcome any of these issues in your marriage?

Anonymous comments are on, so please let us know what you are thinking.

- James

Armchair Theologians, Mortal Sin, and Condoms

An Anonymous reader posted the following comment:

As I posted before, the armchair theologians on the web (particularly those on Catholic Answers) do more harm than good. As a person who struggles with some teachings (annulments and barrier methods), I don't get much out of dogmatic statements by holier than thou Catholic converts. I know you know what I mean. I was brought up in the "help your fellow man, God loves you" Catholicism of the '70s and '80s. The way to stay away from sin is to "do good for others and yourself". That is how I intend to raise my children. Positive theology is much better than worrying endlessly about whether you have committed mortal sin.

Armchair Theologians

The problem with "armchair theologians" (in the opinion of this armchair theologian) is that they often read moral theology without proper background and without any pastoral training. Without this context, they end up misrepresenting the faith. Furthermore, the language of the Church is Latin, not English. The translations that we read may not be an accurate statement of the faith simply due to language limitations. Some of the more common mistakes I see on the internet (and some of my own misunderstandings) have been due to a non-understanding of the nuances and implications of the original Latin.

I, too, was raised with the "help your fellow man, God loves you" Catholicism. Sexuality was never discussed in the Church growing up. I was in college before I knew that the Church still prohibited contraception. Then I ran into the armchair theologians and very legalistic Catholics when I got older. Because of this silence, the only exposure I had to it was this misrepresented view. I didn't understand how the Church I grew up in could be so harsh and nonsensical in areas of sexuality.

I've struggled with some of the teachings. I have gotten into some heated discussions with some other bloggers. I have had some very informative discussions with others. I have learned a lot from all of them. I've questioned a lot, including the teachings on annulments as well as on the prohibition of barrier methods and non-procreative activities. Over time, I have found answers. The Church has long ago thought of things that I hadn't even considered.

The Problem of Sin

Mortal sin is very serious. It is a deliberate turning from away from God. It is taking the attitude of Lucifer: "Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven." Because of the seriousness of mortal sin, we must be very careful how we use the term. Some people call any objectively serious sin "mortal sin", but that's not accurate: Mortal sin is not just objectively serious sin, but also requires full knowledge of the seriousness of the sin and full consent of the will. Nobody accidentally commits a mortal sin. Bad habits that you are trying to break are NOT mortal sins. (The attraction to the bad habit is unwanted if you are trying to break it, therefore, it lacks full consent.)


Sin is real. It causes harm (whether we are aware of it or not) and we should avoid it. Serious sin is serious sin, whether we are fully aware of its seriousness.

This is why we have an obligation to inform ourselves Church teaches about sin and why. A "bad habit" may be a much more serious problem than you realize. Even so, the rules aren't to restrict you, but to guide you. Couples in extraordinary situations are well served by working with a priest who can give them individual guidance.

We also have confession to reconcile us to Christ and His Church. So, if you are worrying endlessly about whether you have committed a mortal sin, go to confession! Either way, you'll receive forgiveness and release and can stop worrying.

Getting to the Root of the Problem

I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful confessor who really does a good job of helping me get to the root of what is causing me to sin. Realizing the real problem is the first step toward finding a solution.

As for barrier methods, what I would ask anyone in this situation is why do feel like you need them?

Does the abstinence seem excessive? It very well may be.

• Does the method show an excessive number of days as fertile? Working with an NFP teacher or changing methods may help. It may be the sign of a medical problem that needs attention.
• Are you using the method more conservatively than you need to? NFP instructors can sometimes take an all or nothing "achieve or avoid" attitude, but that's not how fertility works. This is especially true for couples nearing the end of their reproductive years as natural fertility is reduced. Couples can make things far harder on themselves by trying to make the method 100% effective. Letting go of that need for absolute certainty while still using the method to avoid can make things a lot easier. Again, working with an instructor will help as will working with a confessor or spiritual adviser.
• Do you just miss each other physically? That's great that you still feel that way about each other! But are barrier methods really satisfying that desire for intimacy? If not, that may be an area for growth in your marriage.
• Are either or both of you struggling with lust in general? Our culture is saturated with sex. Abstinence is difficult enough when we aren't constantly being tempted. Prayer and the sacraments are essential.

Are you struggling with understanding Church teaching?

Studying the teachings and the reasons behind it can clear up misunderstandings about what the Church teaches and why. Here are some free resources:

• A great summary of John Paul II's Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body
• A series of articles by Dr. Edward Sri on Love and Responsibility.
• A series of articles on of Theology of the Body by Fr. Roger Landry.
• An explanation of the teaching from the Natural Law from J. Budziszewski.

But the best way to understand the teaching is to look at your own life. What satisfies you? What doesn't? How is using barrier methods different from not using barrier methods? Think about this.

The Church's teaching on marriage and sexuality isn't always an easy teaching to understand and it's not always an easy teaching to live. In a world saturated with empty, meaningless eroticism, couples who try to live the Church's teaching should be encouraged, not judged. Even trying NFP is an act of faith, choosing to follow the Church over secular culture.

Struggling with these teachings is normal. Do your best, do not be discouraged, and pray that God will bring you understanding and help you where you struggle.

- James

Addendum: The comment policy on this site is: "Due to the sensitive nature of sexuality and my readers, I do not accept anti-Catholic behavior or debates." Anti-Catholic behavior includes criticism from traditionalist and liberal Catholics trying to "improve" the Church. I will be happy to address concerns with articles or comments or questions about Church teaching, but when concerns turn into criticism of the Church and protracted theological debates, such comments WILL be deleted.

Your Sex Questions Answered

This blog is titled:

 "Real Catholic Love and Sex: More than Just Missionary"




Kate and I write about sexuality and marriage and a bit of theology.

What we haven't written about is the "technical" aspects of sex, other than the most basic advice.
  

You, too, can be happy like a stock photo couple.

I believe that the best advice is for couples to approach sex with positive and generous attitude. Don't be afraid to communicate what you like and what you don't. You should seek to please each other, not only to please yourself.

But sometimes a good attitude and good communication isn't enough.
 
Some couples NEED help with the "technical aspects".

Honey, I don't think this is quite right...

In a world with Cosmo and Maxim and Google, there is a lot of places to turn to for advice. But a lot of it is bad and some of it could put you in the hospital.

Where do good Catholic couples find good sex advice? 

Unfortunately, there aren't too many Catholic sex bloggers willing to take on these topics. Still Catholic couples who need help are going to turn to the internet and when they do, they need something better than Cosmo and Maxim.

One of the better sources I have found is Sheila Gregoire's blog, To Love Honor and Vaccuum.  Sheila is a devout Protestant Christian. Despite our theological differences, we both believe that God wants couples to have strong marriages and part of that is helping couples to make sex awesome.

Sheila has complied a list of Frequently Asked Questions about sex to help couples with specific questions. While some Protestant bloggers have some problematic ideas about marriage and sexuality, what I have read from Sheila is pretty good. No, it's not perfect from a Catholic perspective, but better than most and certainly a lot better than whatever Google will turn up. She even recommends couples use NFP! (Ok, Protestant NFP (FAM), but it's a Protestant blog.)

Edit: Do NOT read the comments on Sheila's blog. Many of the commentators are very ill-informed and can give some very bad advice.

What about you?

Any sources you would recommend for Catholic couples needing help in the bedroom?

Any specific questions you would like answered on the blog?


Anonymous comments are ON, so don't be afraid to share if you need help or would like to give help.  

- James